this past week, i had thanksgiving break so i arrived home on monday, the 24th.

such a waste of time. you know, i always thought i'd have trouble leaving the comfort of my home when it came time to leave for college, and although at first it was an adjustment, i've come to realize how much i hate this fucking town.

as little sense as it makes, it's like nothing has changed but so much is different. i always knew it was necessary to leave because i had no aspirations of going to community college (no offense to anyone who does), or working at mcdonalds, but it was still my home. as shitty and unsatisfying as it is, it's my sense of security.

the past few times i've come back since being away at school, i've done absolutely nothing. none of my "friends" want to hang out and i'm left here sitting on my ass. i don't even want to come back for christmas because i know it'll just be a prolonged period of nothing.

the two people i'm accustomed to hanging out with are now good for shit. one is completely consumed by her boyfriend and the other is too busy being a fucking bum. another one ignores my phone calls and spends his time doing lines of coke while others just work at a factory and drink every night/weekend. it's like, shit, we've been out of high school for five months and already so many of my classmates have just turned into complete shit bags. christ, try doing something productive for once.

i'm not in the business of sitting on a high horse and talking about how good i am, but if you knew the scenarios i was talking about, you'd be praising yourself too. i've done nothing but bust my ass in class so i can have a ticket out of the midwest and move onto other things once i graduate. i don't want to sit back and say, "we'll i should've worked harder." bitch, i've done what i've needed to do and i'm 10x better for it.

*and for anyone (let's get real, no one cares) who was wondering about the outcome of my last entry, let me tell you something hilarious! after that night, i didn't talk to jason* (i think that's what i called him) for awhile until HE sent ME a text asking how school was. i thought, that's nice of him to text me. maybe, he feels bad for how things went down. WRONG! a few nights later, my friend called me and said she had found out that a girl from our high school, who graduated a year before we did, was bragging to her friends about how she fucked two guys within the course of a weekend; one being jason. and do you want to know what the icing on that mult-tiered cake was? after jason took my emotionally intoxicated self home, he went straight to that bitches house and fucked her every which way but sunday.

thank you for making me feel like the piece of shit YOU are.

he was back from school this weekend as well but it's a good thing i didn't see him. i can't write these damn journal entries behind bars.

name drop of the day: mitch o.

song of the day: no son of mine by etid

have you ever been hurt so badly that you don't even feel the pain? it runs so deep that it numbs you and you just feel complete emptiness. i feel like nothing's there. just kind of walking around in a daze, hoping that you're part of a bad dream and not some sad fraction of reality.

i came home from school friday and later, went to a party at my friend aaron's* house. amongst those present was my friend jason*. without sounding too cliche, this kid is the first and only person i love. i've known him since i was six and have had these feelings for him for years, of course, never telling him how i felt. little did i know, there was good reason for it. we've messed around on two occassions and as i sit here and type this, realize we never should've. i never regret things in my past but those times did nothing but give me false hope; something i already had enough of.

anyway, i walk in, he's there already drinking and the first thing he says is "so, have you fucked any guys since you've been at _______ university?" i'm like, okay. great way to start off the night. even if i had, what do you care? you don't call me, you don't text me, you NEVER make an effort to see me so what does it matter to you?

since it's my birthday, i decide, what the hell? why not let loose and drink. i rarely drink anymore due to my past run ins with alcohol but who cares? i'm only visiting for the weekend and i'm about to turn 19; i think i have right to do so. so after a few beers and shots of vodka, i'm feeling pretty good but i'm not causing harm to myself or anyone else so i don't care. the whole night, jason* is play fighting with me and calling me out on stupid shit. i'm trying to talk to everyone, guys mostly since they made up about 95% of the people there, and he comes over and is trying to start stuff with me. later on in the night, my initial ride leaves so i'm left to find a ride on my own. no problem. the house is filled with people i know so i'll be fine. well, my best friend, who was also my ride home, calls jason* and tells him that he needs to be responsible for getting me home. he's wasted but still agrees to it. whatever. later on in the night, when it's time for me to go home, i was sitting next to jason's* cousin josh*. i've known him through association for years but never really talked to him. in my drunken state and his drunk/high state of mind, we struck up a conversation. by the end, we were holding hands (don't ask. i'm a very affectionate drunk so if this is as far as it goes, i'm keeping it g-rated in comparison to what could be happening.) jason* comes over to me and is like, "can we leave or are you just gonna sit there and try to get with my cousin." in my head, i'm like shut the hell up. i'll hit on anyone i want. drunk or sober. your cousin or your grandpa. it shouldn't matter to you. anyway, i get my coat and we leave.

i don't even remember how the water works started but once i got in the car with him, i just started to cry. i am by no means an emotional drunk but i think it was something he said that really got to me. i decided to tell him exactly how i felt, actually throwing the words i love you somewhere in the mix. he just looked at me with this suprised look on his face. after that, he just fed me what i assume are lies or better yet, cop outs. he said that right now, all he can be to me is a friend and i deserve someone better than him. well, newsflash. i don't want anyone better than him. I WANT HIM! i don't care how fucked up you think you are or how bad of a person you see yourself as, i love you for you. i always have and wouldn't change a single fiber about him. if he wasn't the way he was, i wouldn't be so in love with him. basically i walked out of the car that night wanting nothing more than to just throw myself in the middle of street and wait til a car came by to run me over and end it all. i figured it couldn't hurt any worse. i can deal with physical pain. you pop a pill to fix it or you go to the doctor but what do you do when you're completely fucked inside? you can't fix that.

i just went inside and cried myself to sleep. i cried and cried and cried and then some. as much as i want to see him right now to fix things, i can't. i won't. i need to be as far away from him as possible. you know, it's funny. i've played out the scene of me telling him how i truly felt in my head for years and every single time, i never expected him to say that he loved me back. i just never imagined it would happen like it did. i guess it's true what they say. never make someone your everything because when they're gone, you have nothing. and now, i have nothing. i'm not even hurt. i'm not mad at him either. at least he's honest but the truth is, he never said how he felt about me. maybe he was trying not to hurt my feelings anymore. but the thing is, i love him so much that all i want for him is to be happy. if that happiness isn't with me, as much as it kills me, then so be it. i could really give a shit about myself but i'd give up the entire world for him. i just don't know where to go from here. the majority of my life has been spent watching him with a slew of other girls and waiting. waiting for him to figure out what he wants. i know i can't wait forever but for him, i will. it may sound pathetic but he's it for me. if i never set eyes on another guy for the rest of my life, i'd be content because i don't need anyone else. everything i've ever needed is wrapped up in someone i could never have. that is the saddest part of it all. i guess no matter how much you love a person, if it's not meant to be, it's not. fate doesn't care if it hurts you. it's not kind and it never works in your favor.

*- names that have been starred to protect my ass just in case someone i know ever stumbles upon this.

i bought a dress today. light pink. really simple but still, nice. never again am i going shopping for a dress. it's hell.

nine in the afternoon: obviously the debut single but i still like it.

she's a handsome woman: i like brendon's vocals here.

do you know what i'm seeing?: makes me think of a day at the park. plus, jon wrote the melody for the chorus.

northern downpour: great song. very simple but i love how the vocal parts are divided up.

when the day met the night: love, love, love it! reminiscent of early beatles, especially the chorus. very whimsical story, too.

pas de cheval: fun song. enough said.

behind the sea: ryan's voice is great for the song. simplicity is key. completely beatles in sound.

mad as rabbits: so the lyrics don't really make sense but that's them. another fun song.

the honda civic tour comes to chicago on the 23rd and 24th of may, and i'll be there for the show on the 24th. i've never seen panic live so i'm pretty excited. in addition, motion city soundtrack is also a favorite of mine. from what i've listened to, i really like goodbye blues, the new hush sound album. love greta, as well. not too familiar with phantom planet though but there's always time to get aquainted.

i do have a good date though so i'm thankful for that. i just hate trying on dresses, getting my hair done, and all that stuff. too much fuss for my likings. and when i try on dresses, it'll be hot in the dressing room and then i'll get cranky and then i'll be pissed for the rest of the day. i hate trying on clothes. i normally just grab something, take it home, and either return it if it doesn't fit or make it fit. guess i can't do that this time.

anyway, so this isn't incredibly pointless, i'm picking up pretty.odd. and the saosin live dvd/cd.

other than that, i hope you all have a wonderful day!

so, i've listened to the new panic stuff and i must say, i like it a lot. over two years ago, i went out and bought fever (we're shortening today) and i was impressed with what i heard. mix their live show with it and it was all extremely showy. fine and dandy but not my usual cup of tea. i think with this album, they were able to simplify things and get back to the basics. their influences really showed. dylan and the beach boys can definitely be heard but the beatles hold on the album is overwhelming. was not expecting that at all. in addition, lots of ryan ross on vocals. where brendan has a wider vocal range, ryan is more solid. nothing extraordinary but nothing to harp on either.

that said, i think pretty.odd. will get praised by critics and panned by fans. people are so quick to typecast others that they often miss out on a world of opportunity. people grow and change. it's a fact of life and many people hate that, but as soon as you accept it, you free up a large part of yours that was spent on trying to preserve the past. this is true for anything and i think this record will weed out the teeny bobbers from those who just enjoy the music.

i make no secret of the fact that i'm pulling for the giants. here's why...

a.) the giants knocked the packers out of the playoffs.

b.) eli manning is my homeboy.

c.) the patriots have won three of the past six super bowls. it's time for someone new.

d.) i always go for the underdogs.

e.) i believe tom brady is one of the most overrated players in the nfl.

f.) belichick seems like a prick.

i think it'll be close. i'm saying 21-18. i was so over the super bowl hype after the bears got my hopes up last year, then proceeded to crush my every last dream. i mean, come on. my first game at soldier field was in august of 1990. i was ten months old. i have no recollection of it, but i've been coming back ever since. since this is about football, let me express my greatest athletic hope: to see the bears make it to the super bowl before i die.

i'm looking forward to their new album. they released their first single, nine in the afternoon (hence the title), today and i'm currently listening to it via myspace. it's different. i think it has to grow on me. i'm not saying it's bad, it'll just take a few listens for me to adjust. i will say that brendan's vocals sound good and it seems like ryan, as the lyricist, is drawing inspiration from a completely different place this time around, be it personal experience, musical influences, or both.

the first song i ever heard from them was lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off and it completely caught my attention. i loved their sound and i immedietly went out and bought a fever you can't sweat out. after listening to it, i was really surprised at the fact that these guys were so young. i just thought that the way they put the album together, in addition to the lyrics and musical parts was quite genius. definitely a debut album to be both proud and envious of. the success that amounted from their first album was unexpected but deserved.

and now, it's time for what many artists loathe: the sophomore album. this next release usually goes only one of two ways; the flop or the success. i'm definitely hoping for the latter for them.

that said, i must also address the fact that i love the new album cover and the title of pretty. odd. i think that sums up a lot for them. i found the tracklisting on absolutepunk.net and i must say that my favorite song titles are as follows...

                                                                                                              i have friends in holy spaces

                                                                                                              folkin' around

                                                                                                              snooze me ms. britches

                                                                                                              mad as rabbits

                                                                            and the best one yet... sushi in a tuxedo in the clams casino

just goes to show that they don't need to fit the entire contents of a dictionary into one title for their song.

and fyi, the new album hits stores march 25

I, like the masses of individuals who have contact with the outside world, have learned of the tragic and untimely death of Heath Ledger. A staple of the times, my first recollection of him was in "Ten Things I Hate About You." Of course his looks were the first thing that I noticed about him but his acting ability soon followed. It's rare to find someone so effortlessly good at their craft but he was fortunate enough to nail that. I was completely shocked to hear of his passing. When someone is good at what they do, be it a musician, actor, or someone in another profession, they are able to capture a moment in your life and connect with you regardless of race, sex, religion, etc. This was true for Heath.

When I turned on the television, the first thing I saw was coverage on the topic. I saw his apartment building and the masses of paparazzi waiting outside to get a glimpse of anything. A short time after, Heath's body was taken out and loaded into the medical examiner's truck. I couldn't even begin to count the number of flashes I saw going off as this happened. It really made me sad. Although news coverage is expected when anyone famous dies, I thought that everyone standing around waiting for a look at his corpse wrapped inside a body bag was just disturbing. If celebrities can't live they're lives in private, then fine, but at least show some dignity and respect when they are no longer here to defend themselves.

In addition, the media is also starting to speculate every possible way or reason as to why he died. Why this is to also be expected, some things are better left private. Does everyone really have to know if he was doing drugs or committed an act of suicide? Not really. This has no bearing on the work he did as an actor or the legacy he left behind as a person. The paparazzi has to realize that this situation doesn't just hurt his parents, siblings, friends, etc. He has a little girl who will eventually grow up and have to learn of these tragic events and the frenzy surrounding them. How he was as a parent and what trouble or personal conflict he was going through at the time are two completely different things. His daughter may not be able to tell people if he was suffering from substance abuse but I bet she could tell you about the last time he tucked her into bed. And for those who loved him, including his only child, those are the moments that mattered. It's an unfortunate fact about our society; people love to remember others for their faults as opposed to their triumphs.

But who am I to say anything? I'm just a bystander watching a tragedy unfold. I will say that this past year has been full of untimely deaths. It's not like the entertainment world isn't used to it, I mean, think of James Dean, Buddy Holly, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, and more recently Casey Calvert. Those are just a few of the masses that have died way before their time and now, the world can add another name to the list.

you know, the prospect of high school makes me physically ill. it's one of the most hostile environments for children, yet we keep throwing them back in it. why? because it's all part of the "experience". it really is just a cut throat environment where people love it when you fall and hate it when you succeed. that is to say, at my school.

it's such a small one and everyone knows everyone, so your personal life is always on call for the breaking. people pick apart everything you've ever did like they are christ in the flesh and here, drama fuels EVERYTHING. not a day goes by where i don't hear about who slept with who, who hates who, and how ugly or stupid another person is. those first few weeks of high school your freshman year, you really pray that you don't get caught up in the shit but by the end, you don't give a flying fuck. you grow up and realize that the world is a much bigger place than who sucked whose dick and what someone is wearing to prom.

and if your like me, you avoid this nonsense at all costs; even if it means being walked all over by those who are supposed to care about you the most. that had been the story of my life until yesterday. for 12 years of knowing this girl, who i shall call "heather", i have always sat back as she talked down on me and used me to the best of her advantage. it sucked but i dealt with it because i was afraid to lose her as a friend. my sophomore year of high school was a bad one for me. for reasons i won't go into, i suffered from severe depression and panic attacks. i almost got expelled that year and was a complete mess. during this time, i found one guy who seemed to listen to my problems and make me feel good about myself. i really did fall for him. boy, was that a mistake! at the prime of our relationship, heather decided that she needed to get close to him. close enough, that is, to suck his dick. the dumb bitch told me flat out on the phone while i sat on the floor crying. i was crushed. not only did the guy i care about obviously not feel the same about me, but my best friend betrayed me. stuff had lead up to it, but this was that knife in my back that she felt the need to twist. that night i resumed my cutting.

word to the wise, although now i know that cutting isn't the way to deal with your problems, NEVER and i mean NEVER do it because of someone else. even if they don't realize you're doing it, it's still giving them the satisfaction of knowing that what they did or said got to you. no one is worth the agony you cause yourself when you self mutilate.

anyway, i refused to believe that it was her fault so i put the entire blame on the guy and swore out ever getting involved with someone again. i continued on with my friendship with her and continued to watch my self-confidence wither away to nothing. the kind of relationship with her that i had was, if i was talking to a guy about doing something on the weekend, she'd offer her entire house for a party. if i said i'd help someone with their homework, she'd do it for them. if i got an ipod for christmas, she'd get one with more gigabites. that's how it's been since i've known her; a constant competition. but the thing is, it's not a competition on my part; it's hers and hers alone.

yesterday, i playfully hit her on the shoulder during lunch and she yelled out "what the hell, don't touch me!" now usually i take these commands with a grain of salt and don't say anything, but then i realized i'm not a dog and i'm not a two year old child. i have every right to say something back and i took the chance. more so jokingly, i said "god, you're a bitch today" and she replied "oh yea, it's stapled on my forehead." to that i said, "you don't need a sign, anyone around here can tell you that." and she stormed off. what i said to her was not bad at all. she has called me a whore, slut, bitch, and every other name in the book, but the one time i turn the tables on her, she freaks out. it's gotten to the point where she was so used to me listening to her every word that she didn't expect me to "turn on her" so to speak. pretty sad. as i said, i have no self-confidence in the majority of the things that i do, but now, the one time in my life where i stick up for myself, she's going to act like the wounded one and go off and pout. good for her. today, i heard she was talking shit and i really couldn't help but smile. that's the beauty of it all. i'm so beyond the realms of caring anymore that it doesn't effect me one bit. for that, i'm proud of myself.

finally on a different note (kind of), yesterday during study hall, my friend, whom we shall call jake (i love these fake names), and i were playfully picking on my best friend (not heather). she was even smiling and laughing about it. when i got to school this morning, she really wasn't talking to me, therefore i knew something was wrong. turns out, she was extremely pissed at jake and i for teasing her and went home and told her mom all about it. i swear on my life, she sat there laughing the day before but suddenly she was in an uproar and pissed.

news flash (mainly to girls), PEOPLE CAN'T READ MINDS. i, for one, am one of those people. if she felt so offended, she should of told me from the beginning and i would've stopped. her smiling and laughing led me to believe that she was okay with it, therefore i continued. i ended up having to apologize (which i really hate), but i thought, god, it's not my job to read between the lines. hell, i can't so don't make me.

well, if you've read this entire rant...bless your heart. i just needed to get this all out and i thank you for listening/reading.

fyi, college campus visits consitute as a valid excused absense in your final year of high school. i took full advantage of that today.

obviously, i'm thrilled to be back in such a superficial stomping yard. seeing as it's january 8, there are exactly 5 months until i graduate. i don't think i've ever looked forward to something so much in my life. i've hated every moment that i've spent in high school and i'm more than happy to leave it behind.

i wrote about three long and well thoughout entries ringing in the new year and in the middle of all of them, my internet explorer closed. fuck technology!

i just finished watching this week's episodes (it was a two for one sort of deal) of law & order. wow. jeremy sisto is now on the show so it'll give me a reason for watching weekly (if you've never seen six feet under, go now, and youtube that shit). and yes, patrick "i'm in fall out boy" stump was on it. briefly, but the impact was there. although his actual chops are better than his acting ones, he wasn't bad at all. i even snickered at one of the lines he made. he played a man by the name of martin who was an accomplice in a murder/kidnap case. it was just sort of comical because i see million of posts about him on here daily and now, he's featured on a show that i've watched since i was little. i thought it would be funny if when his character was talking on the phone, asking for a ransom, he'd all of a sudden bust out with "thanks for the memories, even if they weren't so great" and then hung up. or like next to the victim's body is a copy of evening out with your girlfriend. i know, i have a sick brain.

                                                   come closer to me baby
                                                   i`ve got everything you need
                                                   to feed your hunger pains for tonight

i find myself singing/humming this everywhere. random factoid of the day.

so yesterday, i had to babysit (tommy, age 7, and nick, age 2). usually after a spending the day with them, i'm left loving children or wanting to get my tubes tied. i'm happy to say, yesterday was more on the loving side. anyway, do you ever sit back and wonder where all the good t.v. shows and toys went?

when i was little, i watched a wide array of shows. just off the top of my head: tmnt, power rangers, inspector gadget, animaniacs, batman, tiny toon adventures, muppet babies, allegra's window, scooby doo, barney, arthur, big comfy couch, noddy, sesame street, thomas the tank engine, blue's clues, gullah gullah island, david the gnome, franklin, the muppet show, rupert, are you afraid of the dark, goosebumps, kenan and kel, clarissa explains it all...just the good stuff. now, it's all crap. i probably watched about an hour of noggin tv with nick and was completely disappointed. none of my favorites...just baby einstein and junk. well guess what, i never watched a baby einstein video growing up and i don't think my parents ruined my life because of it. motor skills my ass...where's the laughs? where's the fun? i mean if you want learning, wishbone isn't even on the air anymore. in all honesty, i probably learned more in literature from a jack russell terrier than a teacher reading it to me. he covered all the classics and it was fun. you wanted to hear more stories. but like everything, people have to suck the fun and excitement out of knowledge.

and don't get me started with games. did you know the new version of monopoloy gives out credit cards so the players don't have to bother with all the money? after how many years of playing the banker who can't even count, they're going to make life easier by having you swipe your card through some battery operated mechanism. i don't mean to sound ancient but i've never even owned a gaming system. if i did want to play, i went over to my cousin's house and we played mariokart racing, mario paint, or hell, duck hunter. i loved building things, so the basic necessities for me were legos, lincoln logs, and tinker toys. that's it. no xbox 360, no playstation 3, just simple pieces of plastic and wood.

where have the good times gone?

p.s.- if you've actually read this rant, you're a kind person, and i'm sorry for taking these moments out of your life.

donnie wahlberg was a bad ass. didn't he like, set his hotel room on fire or something?

that's basically all i've done today. look at 80's videos on youtube. as i've said before, so bad they're good.